Not good enough

It's impressive how memories can be replace with just words and lately I have heard these words in my head over and over, “you are not good enough” after a long time of thinking about why and well of course crying like a baby in the shower for hours, follow by eating ice cream and drinking like there’s no tomorrow, I realize that I don’t know what I’m not good enough for, it could be a million things; for example I’m not a good singer, the worst actually but, I’m a decent cook, I’m terrible at physics or biology  but ask me anything about advertising or branding. I may not know everything about Ana Karenina, but I do know everything about Harry Potter.

So anyways the list is endless, but then why is that I’m thinking about that phrase, is it the way he said it or the not so great timing of when he said it, 4 months before that he said that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, 3 weeks before he saw a picture of me when I was little and he said he wanted to have a daughter just like me. So what the hell?? After a lot of thinking, drinking and eating I realize that: He has not idea what the hell he wants! Or he wants to be with someone else.

I thought I was not going to be able to be happy with myself again, just because I was not good enough for him, but after a long time, a really long time I realize that what it hurt is not the actions that he took before and after is the fact that someone can mean the world to you but you can mean nothing.

Today he still means something, it sucks that he does, but  I think is because my heart is not good enough for my brain.

that place

I think we all have or should have that special place where we just go to clear our mind. 

I remember when I was in high school and still lived with my parents, I loved going to the beach, the place where we throw my grandfather ashes, if it was a bad weather day I just stayed in the car, but if it was sunny I went down just to watch the waves reach the sand, maybe is because I thought he would be there and tell me that everything was going to be ok.

In Monterrey, where I lived after that I would go to a park where sometimes I walked with a friend, but there was a bench that was far away from where people were always running or doing some kind of exercise, I liked to be there quietly putting my thoughts in order

So when I moved to San Francisco earlier this year, had not found a place so I have been so eager to just lock myself in my room, put the music on and shout to my pillow I had to confess I don’t go out that much, but everyone tells me that the city is amazing and that I must go out and see, so this one day I decided to go out a little bit farther form my 6 blocks comfort zone.

I found a place that few have the pleasure to see, is at the end of Pier 39, where a lot of sea lions spend their day, some are just lying in the sun, others play with each others, and others only shout to the wind. The site is full of tourists but sometimes just for a couple of minutes I thinks its only the sea lions and me.
And there's something about them that make me smile, get my head straight and my feet back to the ground.

hug

The time when your arms went around me and we stay there just standing in a common place like a parking lot, suddenly in the split of a second everything seemed empty, all the cars disappeared, the buildings vanished, I could only feel the cold wind and your breath closer and closer, you step away just a little but your arms were still around me, your deep dark eyes met mine, I had to hold on so I wouldnt say what I was thinking, begging for that moment to not be over, in that little time everything appears to be great, if we could only had stayed, so perfect with nothing more to wait with nothing more to think about, just that we were hugging  and nothing else

  ... and then it disappeared, like the wind moving in the distance fast and without waiting, without turning back. Our moment was gone
  

 Every time I think about it, your eyes come to my mind, the intense dark color of your eyes, that is so overwhelmed and that half-smileof yours that makes me wonder, what if ...

heart, mind & soul

My mind decided some months ago that I should move to a different city to look for a best opportunity and my heart and soul where so foolish on board, so we all got exited and so emotional but everything was great, until Friday.

I have been packing for several days and I put the things that I was bringing with me in two suitcases and left mi life in five boxes.

I said farewell to everyone that I know but the moment I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend was the moment I realize that my own mind broke my heart.

That moment when you are hugging that special some one and you don’t want to, but you have to go, that has to be one of the most horrible experiences in life.

There is no easy way to describe it but as it is, I broke my own heart.

So how am I supposed to repair it, if I was the one to do it? 

Before my heart, mind and soul were like a team, they worked always for the best result, for example when some one else broke my heart, my mind and soul came together to put the pieces back to place and when I had problems at school, work or whatever my heart and soul fight to get me back on track.

But now what?  

First

 When I was ten we moved to a smaller city because of my dad´s job, it was different but nice.
It was a small town next to the beach where my mom grew up and we also visited it in holidays. My older sister didn’t want to move and this was supposed to be for only a year so my parents sent her to a boarding school and I came along with them. I was the new girl and that always sucks! No matter where and how many times you had been the new girl: is never fun.  But from the bright side I was making friends quicker than I thought.

Two months after we arrived to our new home my parents went to a long trip, something to do with my
dad´s new job and my grandpa came to town to take care of me. My grandfather was an incredible man; he was fun and easy going, and everybody in my family and in town admire and loved him. Whenever we spent time together it was always a blast! I remember we used to watch old movies and eat whatever we want, whenever we wanted the only thing he asked in return was not to tell my grand mother. 

I came back from school one day and I was really upset, I had a fight with one of the girls in my classroom because she thought I was getting in her way or something, so I felt blue; I remember my grandpa asked me two times what was wrong and I didn’t answer, so at dinner time he sat down and told me "if you don’t want to talk, don’t talk. But you need to express what you are feeling." Somehow I went back to my room and that was the first day I wrote what I was feeling.

I wanted to start a blog but I didn’t knew how until today, I hope you like it and grandpa wherever you are thank you!